Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
