i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
