If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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