every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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