bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
