hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
im holly from the hills drunk
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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