So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
