Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
