I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
