i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
