Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
