if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I am one with the molecules
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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