i was born a porn star she said
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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