He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
