I need to stop coming to work sober
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My feet surprised me
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
