I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
