I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
