I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
