I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
