so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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