My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
