too bad you live with your parents still
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
So squirting runs in the family.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
