the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
