Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
