Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I need to align my fucking chakras
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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