I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
