It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
