It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
