babies were throwing up all over the place
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
