I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
