A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
