My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
