She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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