I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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