My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
