So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
