Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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