but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
