I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm always down for nudity.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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