wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
