I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
