I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
