weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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