I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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