my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
