Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
