these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
