I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
