So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
