As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
